BabyQuest

Going Offline For Now

During the years that we were trying to get pregnant, I found that reading other women's blogs was sometimes as helpful as writing my own.  (In fact, I read many many infertility and adoption blogs before even thinking of starting my own!)  Knowing that there was a community of women out there going through the same things I was made me feel not so alone.  It helped me to gain some perspective, so that the elusiveness of pregnancy didn't seem so much like a personal failure.  And I learned so much from these women that I would never have known if it had been just me and my doctor all along.

But one of the things that did not make me feel so good was to go searching for infertility blogs and find what were essentially pregnancy-after-infertility blogs.  Don't get me wrong -- its not that I begrudged other women their happy endings.  But when it seems like everyone else in the world is getting pregnant (but you), it sort of makes it even worse when everyone else in the world doing IVF seems to be getting pregnant (but you).

This started out as an infertility blog, and its going to stay that way.   I may write from time to time about legislation or medical developments relating to infertility (since it will continue to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.)  But I'm not going to post my updates on the pregnancy here (go to MoreCheese for that).  I am mindful that I may need this blog again:  there is still a long road ahead of us, and, being a 37-year old, I face more risks in pregnancy than I would have if we'd gotten pregnant even two or three years ago.  I'm trying to push those risks to the back of my mind and enjoy this pregnancy, but I know they're there.

I want to give a message to anyone who might find this blog while waging her own battle with infertility:  be strong and be kind to yourself.  Believe in yourself.  You are a fighter.  Infertility is a medical condition, not a personal failure.  But it does lay many blows to your psyche, and your feelings about your identity as a woman.  You will need help in your struggle, so build a community of support, whether its online (www.inspire.com), in person (www.resolve.org), through your church, with a therapist, or a trusted friend.  Be open to the fact that your children may end up coming to you in ways you never, ever anticipated.  But at the same time, if a family is what you want, pursue it with all you've got. 

I hope that all of your dreams come true, and I wish you the very best in your own baby quests.

"Very Pregnant"

That's what the voicemail said.   

I had gone in for my blood test at 7:45 am.  I went to work.  I worried.  I had cramps that were killing me,  I was bloated out to there, and I was certain that IVF #3 had failed.  My cell phone rang at 2:45 pm, caller i.d. showing my nurse's name.  I let it go to voicemail, emailed my boss that I was going home early, shut down my computer, and headed out in a hurry.

I had decided a long time ago that I would wait to find out the results until I was home with the Rockstar.  I texted him from the train platform, a grim, "I'm on my way."  Forty-five minutes later, I was home, and we were both preparing for the inevitable bad news.

I put the phone on speaker mode, dialed my voicemail, and we heard the message I will remember for the rest of my life:

 "I wish I were speaking with you in person, because I have good news.  You are pregnant, my dear -- very, very pregnant!"

And that's how it went down, folks!  I'll spare you the details of me screaming and hopping up and down like a madwoman, and the crying and the sappiness, but I will just say that I let every sentimental cell in my body go absolutely berserk.

Forgive me for being silent for so long....  as I'll explain in another post, we had a bit of a scare with the second blood test (its all good), and given that, plus a healthy dose of superstition, I just couldn't bring myself to post the news on this blog.

Until now!  Tomorrow I will officially be 8 weeks pregnant, and I'm just over the moon and so excited and happy and nauseous and hungry all the time and so very, very, very grateful.