Reading the Tea Leaves

In the IVF world, there's something we all talk about called "implantation cramping."  In the two-week wait after embryo transfer, many women experience cramping and then have positive pregnancy tests.  The cramps are believed to be the result of the embryos attaching to the uterus.  There are many different descriptions of them, but many women say they feel as if their monthly period is about to start.

For the past week since my transfer, I've been having mild, low-grade cramps.  And, secretly, I have been soooo happy about them, because I interpreted them to be implantation cramping.  Also, they were very different from the cramping I experienced after the first two IVFs, which were strong, stabby, painful cramps. (I theorized it was my body rejecting those embryos.)  This time, the cramps were much more like a low-grade ache.  I interpreted that as a good sign - a sign of a gentle integration underway.

But now, the cramps are gone.  I haven't felt them in over 24 hours.  And I'm getting scared.

My first two IVFs resulted in chemical pregnancies, meaning, I had a positive pregnancy test, but instead of the beta numbers getting higher, they went down, and eventually went to zero.  The embryos stopped growing.  Both times, I had various strange symptoms the first week after transfer that disappeared the second week.

I am afraid that I'm starting to follow the pattern of the past.  I feel myself crumbling inside, anticipating another disappointment.  Its going to be tough to hold it together this week.

Of course, everyone will tell you that you can't really interpret these signs, that various symptoms are caused by the drugs you're taking, etc.  I keep trying to reinforce that with myself.  I just wish I had some kind of sign to hold on to.

I guess that's how I've got to view the cramps:  they were a security blanket for me to hold on to.  I've got to maintain hope and faith now, even if that blanket is taken away from me.  Even if the only purpose of that is to get me through the next week until I get my official beta number.

I'll just keep repeating this simple prayer:  God.  Please let this work.

Comments

[Annette]

Big deep breathes...because this waiting sucks. Can you ask your dr about the cramping and if you could be doing anything..like prog...you prob already are..i'm just grasping at straws because i want this to work for u guys so bad....
also - ya gotta wonder how long could it possibly take to implant? once those suckers are in then they get comfi and grow...maybe thats what is happening!!!

[Maria]

I never know what to write, as I haven't been through this... I'm going to go with Annette on this one and say maybe "those suckers are in".
I will be hoping and praying for you.

[Phoebe]

Yeah, there is no interpreting the cramps or lack of cramps. I personally think no cramps is a good sign!

[shanzie]

You are so strong and centered... and every single one of us is cheering you on. Visualize this mass of people who are loving and supporting you and guiding you forward. Even if you feel like you're in a repeating pattern, every moment is new. You have found an incredible peace during this process and you continue to provide this amazing positive example for how we can approach life. Fear and nerves are natural when you are just waiting on the unknown, but I can only encourage you to fall back on what you've learned on this journey: love your life, enjoy each moment and keep looking ahead. And I encourage happy dance in your living room just for fun! I will do that, too! Still sending lots of positive vibes your way - love you!

[Chrissy Lif]

Shanzie took the words out of my mouth!! ;-) We're like the verizon folks behind you. Rooting, cheering, hoping, praying... cautiously... You're amazing. Thinking of you!!!! <3

[churi]

Mahlie. DVR a bunch of Family Guy episodes and watch them in "marathon" format.

That, or rent Borat.

I Love You.

[Marie]

You guys just choked me up and made my day. Thanks, and muchas hugs back atcha. :)