BabyQuest

Waiting.

I am learning that nothing is as simple as it seems, and that patience truly is a virtue.  One I have to work on. 

More later.

Reading the Tea Leaves

In the IVF world, there's something we all talk about called "implantation cramping."  In the two-week wait after embryo transfer, many women experience cramping and then have positive pregnancy tests.  The cramps are believed to be the result of the embryos attaching to the uterus.  There are many different descriptions of them, but many women say they feel as if their monthly period is about to start.

For the past week since my transfer, I've been having mild, low-grade cramps.  And, secretly, I have been soooo happy about them, because I interpreted them to be implantation cramping.  Also, they were very different from the cramping I experienced after the first two IVFs, which were strong, stabby, painful cramps. (I theorized it was my body rejecting those embryos.)  This time, the cramps were much more like a low-grade ache.  I interpreted that as a good sign - a sign of a gentle integration underway.

But now, the cramps are gone.  I haven't felt them in over 24 hours.  And I'm getting scared.

My first two IVFs resulted in chemical pregnancies, meaning, I had a positive pregnancy test, but instead of the beta numbers getting higher, they went down, and eventually went to zero.  The embryos stopped growing.  Both times, I had various strange symptoms the first week after transfer that disappeared the second week.

I am afraid that I'm starting to follow the pattern of the past.  I feel myself crumbling inside, anticipating another disappointment.  Its going to be tough to hold it together this week.

Of course, everyone will tell you that you can't really interpret these signs, that various symptoms are caused by the drugs you're taking, etc.  I keep trying to reinforce that with myself.  I just wish I had some kind of sign to hold on to.

I guess that's how I've got to view the cramps:  they were a security blanket for me to hold on to.  I've got to maintain hope and faith now, even if that blanket is taken away from me.  Even if the only purpose of that is to get me through the next week until I get my official beta number.

I'll just keep repeating this simple prayer:  God.  Please let this work.

Transfer Complete!

We transferred our embryos, Ichi, Ni and San (1, 2 and 3 in Japanese), this morning!  All went well and I'm resting comfortably at home.  Ichi and Ni were A+ embryos, and San was not far behind (maybe an A-?)  Now we begin the wait until the pregnancy test, which will be a few weeks from now.  

I feel good.  I feel happy.  I think Ichi, Ni and San are strong.  I feel hopeful.  I still have my doubts about this whole thing, but I know my hands are completely off the wheel, and I'm trying to just enjoy the ride and trust that we'll all end up in the right place.

Thank you all so much for reading this blog and commenting, showing your care and support.  It means so much to me!  I'm sending thank-you hugs to all of you!!!