BabyQuest

The Mind-Body Connection, Positive Thinking, Yada, Yada, Yada.....

One of the women on my IF bulletin board posted a message about the power of intention.  She considers herself a logical, rational person, and yet she's found herself questioning whether her natural fears and hesitation about motherhood are perhaps the reason that she's not yet conceived.  Basically, she's wondering if she simply doesn't want it enough.  Or -- put another way -- she's wondering if perhaps all this is somehow her fault.

I've had these thoughts myself.  And I see all kinds of variations on this theme when I'm talking to other women who have experienced infertility.  We're searching for an explanation -- why is this happening to us?  We're good people, we're healthy, we're responsible, we've gone farther than 95% of the population has in order to become parents.  So why haven't we been blessed with a baby?  We feel disappointed by and angry at our bodies for failing us.  Quite often, we turn our frustration inward, and blame ourselves for our failure to conceive (I mean, just look at this wording.  Is it really "my failure" to conceive?)  We begin to think that if we just were calmer, or more relaxed, or had more positive energy, or pleased God, that the universe would right itself and bless us with a baby.  But infertility is not caused by a lack of desire in the heart, or a failure to think positively, or because God is angry with you for going to college before you got married.  

I do believe in the power of positive intention -- it can help us to navigate difficult situations, and find empathy and energy that we can't access when we're angry or afraid.  But there is intention, and then there is biology. If your fallopian tube is blocked, no amount of positive thinking is going to open it. If your husband has had a vasectomy, no amount of prayer is going to reverse it.

Seems obvious, right?  But when the physical problem is not obvious, its tempting to turn our focus away from the body into other realms.  I have unexplained infertility, and so this whole failure to conceive seems so mysterious. We are both in great health, our numbers are in the better-than-average range for our age group, and yet our embryos have not yet survived beyond a few weeks. No one knows why.

There is a reason.  But I believe that it is rooted in our genetic material -- not in my heart or my mind.

When we first started trying to conceive, I had no fear or apprehension.  I wasn't anxious at all.  I visualized myself pregnant, happy, telling family and friends.  I didn't worry about my age.  I didn't question whether it would happen -- the only question was when!  Well, I still didn't get pregnant, did I?  So when well-intentioned people offer advice like, "just relax" or "think positive," I think they're missing the point.  There was a time when I was entirely relaxed and positive about this process, and you know what?  I still didn't get pregnant.

I do try to think positively, and to maintain a sense of calm and peace.  But I do these things to take care of myself, and because its the way I want to live my life -- not because I think I can meditate my way into getting pregnant.

So while I'm all for living with positive intentions and cultivating peace and calm, I just want to remind myself, and caution others, not to turn the "mind-body connection" into a bat that you beat yourself up with.  You know what I mean?  

Infertility is a disease, and it needs medical treatment.  In the meantime, we need to be kind to ourselves, the way we would be kind to anyone suffering a disease that is not at all their fault.

IVF No. 3: The Anticipation

Well, the time is here:  time for our third and final cycle.  The next 6 weeks promise to be challenging, but hold a glimmer of hope.  And no matter what happens, there will be the relief of resolution.  No more what-if's, no more shopping for new doctors or trying different protocols.

I'm so grateful for the support we have:  my family, a few good friends, and a community of women I've connected with on the internet, each of whom has gone through some variation of this experience and offers her own understanding and support. 

I'm also grateful for the opportunity I've had to improve my health these last few months.  I've been working with a trainer, growing stronger, building physical strength, which lends itself to emotional strength.

My emotions have been intensifying over the past couple weeks, anticipating this.  I'm going to try to cherish this experience, to treat it as a rare and hopeful event.

Gulp.  We'll see how it goes. 

The Antidote

After a long work day and with the email list of babies dragging me down, I went home.  The Rockstar had plans to meet up with a former colleague, so I knew I would be home alone for a couple hours.  So instead of going directly home, I stopped at the local cheese and wine bar in our neighborhood.  I hopped up on a barstool, pulled out some great reading material, ordered a flight of reds (California Cabs was this week's special) and indulged myself with a cheese plate. 

Cheese and wine for dinner?  OH.  YEAH.

I felt like an adult.  A happy, lucky adult.  The Rockstar came and met me at the bar after his dinner was over.  I saw him walking in and, like the very first time we met (now more than 10 years ago!), I thought, "Damn.  Here comes the best looking man in this place!"  He greeted me with a hug and a kiss and we sat at the bar and told stories about our day and laughed together.  (And then we played some very funny April Fools' pranks on my brothers!)

Life is good.  Our time as parents will come.  In the meantime, I'll eat, drink, and be merry as often as I can.  :)

I spend a lot of energy on trying to stay upbeat, although lately, I've been on happy auto-pilot.  It hasn't taken a lot of work.  Things have lined up nicely in my life:  I have a great job, I have several friends all of whom are child-free (and most of them on purpose and happily), the Rockstar and I have been out and about enjoying ourselves, everyone is healthy, life seems grand.

And then someone comes along and tries to sweep my feet out from under me.

Alright, so she wasn't TRYING to knock me off balance....  but that was the effect this person had.  I received an off-hand social email from a former colleague that began with a list of what seems like 100 babies born to all my former co-workers in the past year since I left that job.  Including a couple who only got married about a year and a half ago.  Including a couple who's lapped me for the third time.  Including a couple I didn't even know was pregnant until after the kid was born........

I just find it so completely, jaw-droppingly, breath-takingly dumb-founding that people can just get pregnant like that.  Really???  In ONE year?  One measly, freaking year -- and they go from the status quo to Joyous News! to Welcome Our Newest Addition! 

WHAT.      THE.      HELL???????

Its like I forgot that its supposed to be that easy.  But now I remember.... and that puts me in touch with a lot of anger and frustration and disgust with our situation and, oh, did I mention the anger?

URG!  GAH!       ......... Sigh.